‘Tis the cold steel bars,
Which give freedom her value.
The solitary days, desolate nights—
Intimacy’s worth.
Cooperstown
(February 2005)
Foes multiply,
And friends betray.
Tension mounts—
There’s no other way.
He goes to church,
And pleads his case.
They start to listen,
But spit in his face.
The bride is waiting;
She thinks he’ll come back.
He looks at the clock.
He’s starting to crack.
He’s standing alone;
They don’t understand.
He’s doing his duty—
In a dry and thirsty land.
The streets are empty
When the train arrives.
The enemy is here,
And death is nigh.
Shots are fired—
A struggle ensues.
Four men lay dead,
As justice is renewed.
The people come out,
And Grace returns.
The lovers leave town,
As his anger burns.
Humiliation
(March 2005)
Been down
For so long.
My soul is left
Without a song.
Before honor
Is humility.
Hope all this pain
Has some utility.
Shame and dishonor
Cover me today.
It’s all I know;
It’s what I hate.
I look forward
To better days.
Will God transform
This malaise?
If I sit on top
And crush my enemies,
If I’m vindicated,
And find a remedy…
Then will all this pain
Be worth the price,
And all the wrong,
Be made right.
And the golden prize
Will be within my sight;,
And all the joy,
Make it worth the fight.
The Corsican
(February 2005)
You cut your teeth
In Pharaoh’s land.
Though it went badly,
Fate had a plan.
You escaped in the dark
And arrived at Frejus.
Did you have any idea
What was about to ensue?
What a romance
Your life will be!
History will study you
For centuries.
Your name defined the times—
Napoleon the quixotic.
It was all about you,
And your dreams exotic.
If you could do it over,
Would you stay with Josephine?
Do you think she ever loved you
Or did she just want to be seen?
Tragic that you didn’t know
When to quit the fight.
With all Europe your playground,
You saw no end to your might.
Exiled to Elba,
With little to do—
You grew restless,
And escaped, until Waterloo.
You spent your last days
In a desolate place.
You’d conquered many foes,
But now had St. Helena to face.
Searching in the Night
(March 2005)
Awake in the night,
And countin’ the sheep
Ain’t bringin’ the sleep;
So he goes for a drive.
He wonders if he’ll find—
What he’s been looking for,
Or is more pain in store?
He’s seeking the answer tonight.
He’s been left behind;
He’s shut outside.
He’s losing his mind—
It’s another hopeless night.
He’s driving in the night,
Down that old empty road.
Thoughts and feelings overflow,
He’s searching in the night.
He knows futility well;
Will tomorrow be the same?
Will he still bear his shame?
No one can tell.
He’s tryin’ to escape—
This frustration he feels;
He’s lost his zeal,
And he hates the wait.
Broken Dreams
(February 2000)
Will I die
With dreams unfulfilled?
Will I be left longing
Lonely and still?
If I got what I wanted
Would that be a tragedy?
Would I lose my principles
And forfeit my sanity?
Nights like these
Cause me to weep.
My heart cannot bear
The thought of broken dreams.
Friendly Fire
(May 2005)
Oh, what a tragedy!
How sad that he perished!
My sorrow multiplied now that I know—
He was slain by those he cherished.
Those who hurt us most
Are not our foes;
But friendly fire
Inflicts our deepest woes.
He goes to church
And expects the best.
Ends up leaving,
Cynical—like the rest.
They gossip and conspire
Their friends they betray.
He sinks in the mire
As bitterness turns to hate.
His anger rages
Like an uncontrollable flame.
He carries his wounds;
He’ll never be the same.
Good Intentions
(June 2005)
They gossip about you,
And practice condemnation.
But they’re not bad people—
They have good intentions.
They’ll label you a troublemaker;
Exclude you from their company.
But they’re not bad people.
They go to church regularly.
They’ll treat you like trash,
And label you naive.
But they’re the adults,
Because they don’t bleed.
They’ll ask you to confide.
And promise they won’t repeat,
But they’ll stab you in the back
Faster than the guy on the street.
They’re supposed to people of grace,
But where’s the kindness and love?
After they’ve beaten you down,
They say you’re not tough enough.
You seek somewhere else
Where they don’t know it all.
Where you won’t be betrayed
And kicked if you fall.
Empire
(May 2005)
Your jealousy abounds;
You see me as a threat.
You push me around,
And treat me like your pet.
You build your empire.
You like being in control.
So you force me out
To go for the gold.
What would you do?
If all your dreams failed?
If I were the head,
And you were the tail?
You may be on top today,
But you can’t always have your way.
Power doesn’t last forever—
Empires all crumble, someday.
Dignity
(February 2005)
If I treated you
Like you did me,
Could you endure the pain,
Or would you ask for mercy?
Why should I care
To listen to your plea?
I cried out for help,
And you ignored me.
What will you do?
When you lose your dignity,
When you can’t play the part,
And you don’t know who to be?
How will you act?
When the mask is removed,
Your shame is revealed,
And your games are through?
When all you know isn’t true,
And all you lean on is broken;
None of your tricks are working,
And all the help is only token.
The Irish Quartet
(June 2005)
Sunday Bloody Sunday—
It made me aware.
I couldn’t resist
The sound of the snare.
In high school,
I lay in my room.
I liked to listen
To U2’s Achtung…
Songs like One,
And Mysterious Ways
Are Even Better
Than the Real Thing.
Bono in shades
Danced as The Fly
Zoo TV
What a sight!
I found romance,
And got in a bind.
I found comfort in
All You Can’t Leave Behind.
It was loaded with greats—
Like a Beautiful Day.
I had to Walk On
To find more Grace.
How to Dismantle
The Atomic Bomb—
I got it for Christmas
From my Mom.
I got Vertigo in
The City of Blinding Lights.
I eat Crumbs from Your Table
Every lonely night.
Come Through
(December 2000)
What is to come?
God is mighty; God is true.
Don’t be sorrowful, friend,
He will come through.
He’ll give you your desire;
He has heard your cry.
All things are possible—
He’ll set you on high.
All Things New
(2005)
I live in the land
Of Unfulfilled Desire.
I’m left behind
In the mud and mire.
What a dreadful place—
Every day ends the same.
I wake up wondering,
Can I endure the shame?
Wipe away my sorrow;
Wipe away my pain.
Make all things new,
In Jesus’ name.
Joseph forgot his sorrow
In Pharaoh’s land;
From prison to palace,
The bitterness passed.
God may seem slow,
But that day will come.
Take heart weary traveler—
You’ll shine like the sun.
Expression
(November 1999)
Though God gives me the grace,
Enough to keep running the race,
Still my discouragement resides;
Deep in my heart it hides.
I cannot end my sorrow—
Only hope for a brighter tomorrow.
Mourn and voice my complaint
Find solace in expression before I faint.
To women—I cannot relate
Lonely my heart—pain my fate.
Longing to rejoice in dreams fulfilled;
Yet hopes dashed and desires killed.
The Female Collective
(Spring 2005)
You whisper in the shadows,
Take advantage of our trust.
Are you all one—
Conspiring against us?
Can you keep a secret,
Or am I too late?
You’re eager to betray;
Bitterness makes you hate.
Beware of the Female Collective;
It’s a force to be respected.
It multiplies power in numbers,
And causes the healthy to be infected.
I look for one who hasn’t succumbed
To their hatred and fear.
I try to isolate her,
But the others are always near.
So tell me, Female Collective,
What is your plan?
Do you want to take over,
And kill the last man?
Outcast
(Spring 2005)
I stumble, I stutter;
I look down; I frown.
Where you get your confidence?
How you keep me down?
Different from everybody;
I’m on the outside.
Why do I always feel
Invisible to their sight?
Could you walk
A mile in my shoes?
Could you go on
If the outcast was you?
Seeing others laugh
And walk in confidence;
Envy enters in,
And robs me of my sense.
They’re comfortable in a crowd;
They have the gift of gab.
They’re always up
On the latest fad.
This diffidence
Feels like a curse.
Can I hope for more,
Or does it get worse?
Sometimes I feel like
I just can’t win.
Sometimes all I see
Is my failure and sin.
Guilt and depression
Overwhelm this outcast.
I grow weary
Of coming in last.
I’m tired of the other guy
Always getting the chick.
I’m tired of being
Outside the clique.
Ill at Ease
(June 2005)
I envy others
It comes so easily.
Confident and relaxed,
They rule over me.
Stand out in a crowd.
Different from the rest.
It’s when I am alone.
That I’m at my best.
Everywhere I go
I’m ill at ease.
Awkward and nervous,
It’s hard to be me.
Will she still love me
With my insecurities?
Can she understand
Why I’m ill at ease?
Why can’t I be myself?
But open and free.
I’m so uptight—
When she talks to me.
I walk this path alone
With no one my life to share.
Loneliness leaves you vulnerable
In a world that doesn’t care.
I wear a shield
Over my heart.
Life was better
At the start.
Zest for Life
(Summer 2005)
Did you almost lose your faith
When you fled to the wilderness?
When Saul tried to kill you,
Did God still know best?
You fought the battle
That defined the underdog.
You killed Goliath,
And gave credit to God.
Saul had slain his thousands;
You’d done that times ten.
He had the throne,
But you the hearts of men.
His jealousy raged;
You always were the star.
Poet Shepherd King
A man after God’s own heart.
You won many victories.
Your fame multiplied.
You had a zeal for God,
And a zest for life.
You reached your zenith,
And your heart filled with pride.
You numbered the people,
And had to watch them die.
You stepped onto the roof,
And saw what you craved.
You brought her over,
And sealed your fate.
Your men were at battle
When you called Uriah back;
You devised a scheme
To cover your tracks.
A letter to the commander
Was put in his hand.
He carried his death sentence
To a foreign land.
You couldn’t sleep,
Or forget your sin.
Guilt plagued your soul,
And wore your mind thin.
Your glory turned to shame,
And trouble came to your home.
Absalom stole their hearts,
Before he stole your throne.
But God was gracious,
Picked you up after the fall.
Solomon was born—
The wisest king of all.
Intrigue
(February 2005)
You act like king and queen,
But you fail to realize—
Kingdoms shouldn’t be built
Upon treachery and lies.
You vie for power and position;
You like to control and manipulate.
You like to be the center of attention;
You treat others like you’re head of state.
I feel like I’m in a royal court
With all the intrigue and schemes.
Words and secrets spoken in the dark,
Nothing on the surface as it seems.
I long for the day
When you finally see—
There are kingdoms out there
Which do not recognize your majesty.
Betrayed
(February 2005)
I was standing in the library
When you stabbed me in the heart.
You were a different person
Than at the start.
I walked outside,
Too drained to fight.
I trudged through the rain,
Recounting your lies.
Your arrogance knew no limit.
O that God would bring you down.
Why do the wicked prosper
And the righteous drown?
My friend whom I trusted,
Operating behind my back.
You lied to my face;
Shame was all you lacked.
Revenge held me hostage;
Until I paid back your cruelty.
It was hard to find joy in a world
Where you were exalted over me.
Down Here
(June 2005)
It must be nice
To sit on top;
Do as you please,
And call the shots.
Go to New York,
Then to Miami;
The world’s a playground
For the VIP’s.
Why don’t you come down here
And get a different view?
You might be surprised—
Not everyone lives like you.
You have the girl
Everyone desires.
You got the money
To take you higher.
You drive the car
That’s faster than the rest.
You live the good life,
Enjoying the best.
Why do you prosper
While others drown?
Some have it all;
Others are kept down.
Prison Palace
(February 2005)
The bars, strong as steel;
Prayers don’t seem to break the lock.
For the key around I feel,
This prison is as solid as a rock.
Surrounded by luxury,
This cell is fully equipped;
It serves to mitigate the misery,
But independence is still missed.
I’m living in my prison palace;
No matter what I do, I can’t escape.
But taste freedom again I must—
God, how long must I wait?
Rather live in simplicity,
And breathe free air.
In here I know no rest, nor felicity—
Only heaviness and care.
The Pedestrian Life
(August 2005)
I struggle with frustration,
Boredom and regret.
I missed my calling,
And ran up the debt.
I’m left with mediocrity,
Bitterness and jealousy.
I watch the stars play,
And wish they were me.
Wondering where I went wrong—
How did I get off track?
I hope for a miracle,
Cause I can’t go back.
One day I hope to rise
Above my enemies;
To know triumph
And the thrill of victory.
But for now I endure,
And bide my time.
I pour out my pain,
And make it rhyme.
I pray to God,
And hope deliverance is nigh.
I walk in darkness,
As I search for the light.
Diffident
(February 2000)
I sold my freedom today—
Just like all the other days;
I sold it for a guarantee
Of being free from humility.
Oh what I could do and who I could be—
If free from concern of people’s thoughts of me.
Liberated from haunting doubts, hesitating fears,
I would fly high above this valley of tears.
But instead in this prison I do sit,
Contemplating possibilities that I may miss;
Timidity is an irritating foe—
It keeps me from starring in the show.
The door is not locked you see,
But outside is my enemy.
Fear ensures that I stay in,
Because he hates it when I win.
Paris
(February 2005)
Your brother is everything
You could never be.
Did you think of him
When you stole Sparta’s beauty?
You brought trouble
On the city you love.
Your sin started a war,
And invited wrath from above.
You sacrificed honor
To satisfy your lust.
Shame covered you
As you lay in the dust.
Yet before all is done
You will strike down Achilles.
Your shame will turn to glory
As you kill your enemy.
The Argives sailed to Ilios.
The peace of Troy was lost.
When you look in the mirror,
Was she worth the cost?
You ran from battle
And lived in fear.
Does she have second thoughts
About coming here?
Negative Fixation
(Summer 2005)
I’ve gained a habit
Of negative fixation.
Bitterness is rampant,
And it’s clouding the sun.
Where does this road lead?
Is there purpose in pain
Will desire be fulfilled?
Or is all in vain?
Let the mourning cease,
And the sad song expire.
Find at last full release;
Lift me from the mire.
Kings and Pawns
(August 2005)
Kings and Pawns,
Emperors and fools;
You show no mercy,
And break all the rules.
You love to be
The Master of Manipulation.
You’re not content,
Unless you rule the nation.
You treat life as a game,
And oppress the weak.
You mock the ignorant,
And crush them beneath.
What would you do
If you couldn’t control?
Power and wealth
Warp your soul.
In the end,
You’ll be hated.
The manipulator
Becomes the manipulated.
Cruel World
(Spring 2005)
Frank had a farm;
He struggled for years.
Toiled at his plow,
And suppressed his fears.
Over time he acquired land,
And his livestock multiplied.
The family prospered
With fortune on their side.
But tragedy struck,
And the bank foreclosed.
Frank sold his land,
And died completely broke.
His work was all in vain;
This is the farmer’s futility.
Just as the goal is reached,
The hardworking die in humility.
It’s a cruel world;
The wealthy cut the poor in sunder.
The wicked inflict pain,
And the just are trampled under.
Mystery
(January 2005)
Events stick out
Like barbs in my mind;
The cruel spikes
Cause me to bleed.
I would that they
All had smooth edges;
Everything might fit together,
And all would make sense.
But the more I ponder
The events of my life,
The more I realize
There’s no escaping mystery.
The answers I crave
Are hidden from me;
The injustices suffered
Are not remedied.
The Lies We Believe
(August 2005)
Of what does a person consist
When you remove the exterior?
When you look into the heart,
Do you feel inferior?
Are you uncomfortable
When you’re all alone?
Do you have an identity,
Or are you just a clone?
What would you see
If you looked inside?
Are you the real thing?
Or just a lie?
When you look into the mirror,
What lies do you believe?
With illusion your solace,
Reality’s tough to see.
Do you know who you are?
Or what you like?
Do you follow the crowd,
Or do what is right?
Do you try to impress,
And struggle to fit in?
Do you have to be on top?
Do you have to win?
You spend your life deceived,
Thinking that you’re a pro.
But in the end you realize,
You’re just an average joe.
Lost Illusions
(December 1999)
A funny thing I find
In the marital bond:
At first such bliss,
But in the end often amiss.
One day they rejoice;
On another they cry.
They begin in illusion,
And die in confusion.
Oblivious
(December 1999)
Sometimes I wonder
What events occur—
Outside my realm
Of selfish concern.
Is there in government
Or by evil conceived,
A plan that if executed
Would disrupt my ease?
Bed of Comfort
(December 1999)
The covers are my shield;
Under them I feel safe.
Bury me deep within,
Alone in my hiding place.
A tide of concerns
Floods over my soul.
The weight of responsibility
Takes its toll.
Keep me untouched
From a world of hurt.
I find escape
Upon my bed of comfort.
Bottom of the 9th
(June 2005)
I don’t want to worry about
How to pay the bills.
I would like to know
Just how that feels.
My dream seems miles away;
People tell me it can’t be done.
I’d like to step up to the plate,
And have the lights come undone.
Can I turn this thing around
Can the damage be undone?
It’s the bottom of the 9th,
And I need a home run.
I want to see the skyline
Down under in Sydney.
I want to go to New York,
And feel the rhythm of the city.
I want to travel to Rome,
And see the land of Italy.
I want to feel the breeze,
As I look out over the sea.
Futility
(February 2005)
He speaks eloquent truths.
What does it matter?
They serve only to amuse.
He wants to change
The world in a day,
And end all the pain.
He writes of beauty,
Described in detail.
But she’s only a dream.
This is the poet’s futility,
The world remains the same—
His lesson in humility.
He spins his philosophy.
It impresses the masses,
But it doesn’t end the misery.
He lies in his grave;
His words still inspire,
But they himself could not save.
The Scraps
August 2005
More vicious than a viper
Is the sting of my regret.
I’m left with the consequences,
Unable to pay the debts.
Each new day scrutinizes
The failure of my ability.
I long to fly higher,
But I can’t escape humility.
I want to be somebody,
And for people to care.
To listen when I speak,
Instead they’re unaware.
Overwhelmed with despair,
Mocked when I’m down.
Burdens heavy upon me,
With help nowhere to be found.
Weary and worn,
From pressure and stress.
Who can a smile adorn
In the midst of distress?
Imprisoned by despair,
Growing tired of the chains,
Are we destined for more—
Than failure and pain?
When it’s all over,
Will it remain the same?
My biggest fear is—
Not being in the game.
Forgive
(February 2005)
No longer wanting
To hate you anymore.
Tired and alone,
My soul is worn.
O God, stir my heart,
So that I may weep.
I’ve forged this steel,
But I long to feel the heat.
In need of catharsis,
Purge me of this rage.
Teach me to forgive;
Let the bitterness fade.
Let love flow
For my enemy;
What I desire—
Is peace.
The Bitter Days
The Bitter Days is a collection of poems with mostly common themes: sorrow, injustice, bitterness, longing, and frustration. They came out of a painful time in my life and are sometimes biting and harsh.
Yet something beautiful and constructive came out of that misery. God is faithful, and the bitterness of yesterday has been transformed into the blessings of today. This collection provides a window into my heart and mind during that time. It outlines the progression of my struggle to overcome bitterness. This is resolved in the final poem, Forgive.
These poems were the culmination of five years of creative effort. I hope you enjoyed them. They came from my heart.
Wesley’s Writings 